doppelgänger – A Piece of the Sky

Alli walked up the stone pathway, in the pouring rain. She wore a water-resistant greatcoat, but her hair was soaked. Jan accepted her in, without question.

The fire leaped, bright in the hearth. Jan took Alli’s coat and let her towel off. They sat in front of the fireplace together, on the bear skin rug, wrapped in a huge afghan.

Her hair was drying quickly, in front of the flames. She turned to Jan and said, “I did it. I left Ran.”

The rain outside never let up. “I’ve been waiting for you to say something like that, for what seems like forever,” Jan murmured. Alli couldn’t help smiling and turned to look at her, “Me too.”

***

1999:

“So, this is me,” Nealy said, unlocking the door.

Alli came in and looked around. The stars burned in the navy sky and the rhythmic chirping of crickets filled the air. Nealy turned on the light, and Alli saw the long hallway, leading to a small kitchen, with a yellow and orange tile floor.

“Welcome to my new home. Our new home, off-campus,” Nealy was saying, as Alli took in the light fixtures, the mint green sofa, the aging television set.

They came into the living room. The kitchen opened into this space. The TV could be seen from the tiny dining area.

Alli continued peering about, at the toaster, the Japanese chef knifes, the breadbox, the juicer. Nealy stepped in front of her and caressed her upper arms. She smelled Alli’s neck, took in her cologne, “You’re going to like it here, I promise.”

A pause followed. They listened to the crickets, imagined the constellations whirling above them. Nealy looked into Alli’s eyes and said, “You know that I truly love you.”

Alli grasped Nealy’s fingers in her hand, “Even a few weeks ago, I would have never imagined this moment, here with you. My dream came true.”

Nealy grinned, “I’m flattered that I was in your dream.” She held Alli’s face between her hands. Alli looked up at her.

The disk of the moon rose in the east and drifted through the stars. Tree branches rustled outside, masking the two students’ muted conversation.

Rain bounced off the windows. Clouds hung low, caught in the last rays of the sun, burnt into a fluffy, coral color. Drops inched down the panes. Jeopardy was about to go into the final round. Alli and Ran sat in their usual position on the couch: Ran holding Alli and Alli leaning on her shoulder.

The show cut to commercials. Alli ducked out from under Ran’s arm and stood up, crossing the room, with her glass of rosé. She alighted by the windowsill, staring out at the pink and yellow tableau. The sky’s painting of a sunset. Alli turned the stemware with the edges of her fingers resting on the rim. The trees swayed in the spring rain. An advertisement for lawn mowers blared from the TV and Ran turned down the volume.

“What’s wrong?” Ran asked.

“I have to get over Nealy,” Alli said, still looking out the window.

Ran sat back. Her heart pounded but she said nothing.

“I’ve been carrying her around for too long,” Alli continued, looking over her shoulder.

“It’s understandable,” Ran got out.

Alli looked back out the window, at the water pooling around the storm drain, “I wonder if my seeing you is a part of that holding on.”

Ran muted the TV, “But I am here; she’s not.”

“You have me,” Ran spoke again, after a pause.

Alli turned back around, framed by glass, her silhouette framed by the window and graying sky, “Yes, but what if having you, isn’t allowing me to get over Nealy?”

Ran got up and put her empty glass in the sink, “You can’t live out your relationship with Nealy through me – we’re two different people.”

“I know that,” Alli seemed frozen at the window, wearing a green cashmere sweater, a button-up shirt and jeans, frozen in amber, “The rational mind knows – but the heart sees what it wants to see.”

Ran stop pretending to be distracted by the faucet, and faced Alli, “Should we take a break? See other people?”

Alli sunk inward a little. She looked down, but then looked up, right into Ran’s eyes, “That would be wise.”

Ran turned back to the sink, and wiped her hands on a dishtowel, “So be it.”

Alli opened her mouth to say something more but then closed it. She set the half-empty glass down on the windowsill and rose to go.

I am sorry that my motivations were so muddled, Alli thought.

Alli took her black overcoat off one of the wooden pegs in the hallway and left, walking out into the rain, toward her apartment. Ran, still inside, resumed washing the glass.